Ben woke up the other night just as we were getting ready for bed. After a few failed attempts to get him back to sleep, we brought him into bed with us. Our arms arched over his head, holding hands, our feet touching under the covers, he fell asleep sandwiched between us. Things have changed.
At 4:00 AM Ben started to stir so I stumbled to the kitchen to get him some milk. He drank the milk then snuggled next to me, his head pressed hard against mine. His love almost hurts at times. He hasn’t learned the subtleties of life; that affection should be soft and gentle. The way I love has changed.
After we snuggled together, he tossed and turned, unable to fall asleep between us. I took him back to his crib, he protested for 30 seconds before lying down and talking softly to Bear. I crawled back into bed and curled up next to Boris, he wrapped his arms around me in his sleep, and for a few hours, life was back to the way it was before Ben. Nights have changed.
Not all nights are restless, disturbed. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night to stillness and I have to remind myself that I’m 100% responsible for the little life sleeping in the room down the hall. Having a child changes you, your heart forever walking around outside your body, but I wouldn’t change a thing.
